I Thought Myself to Be a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Uncover the Reality

During 2011, several years prior to the renowned David Bowie display opened at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a lesbian. Up to that point, I had only been with men, with one partner I had wed. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a recently separated parent to four children, residing in the United States.

Throughout this phase, I had begun to doubt both my personal gender and romantic inclinations, looking to find understanding.

I entered the world in England during the beginning of the seventies - before the internet. As teenagers, my peers and I were without online forums or digital content to reference when we had curiosities about intimacy; rather, we looked to music icons, and during the 80s, artists were challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer donned masculine attire, Boy George wore women's fashion, and pop groups such as well-known groups featured artists who were publicly out.

I wanted his slender frame and defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and male chest. I sought to become the artist's German phase

Throughout the 90s, I spent my time operating a motorcycle and wearing androgynous clothing, but I returned to traditional womanhood when I opted for marriage. My spouse relocated us to the America in 2007, but when the marriage ended I felt an undeniable attraction revisiting the manhood I had once given up.

Given that no one played with gender as dramatically as David Bowie, I decided to spend a free afternoon during a summer trip back to the UK at the museum, anticipating that maybe he could help me figure it out.

I lacked clarity exactly what I was looking for when I walked into the display - perhaps I hoped that by immersing myself in the richness of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, consequently, discover a insight into my true nature.

I soon found myself facing a small television screen where the film clip for "Boys Keep Swinging" was continuously looping. Bowie was moving with assurance in the front, looking stylish in a slate-colored ensemble, while to the side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

Unlike the drag queens I had encountered in real life, these characters failed to move around the stage with the self-assurance of inherent stars; conversely they looked disinterested and irritated. Placed in secondary positions, they chewed gum and expressed annoyance at the monotony of it all.

"Boys keep swinging, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, appearing ignorant to their lack of enthusiasm. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the supporting artists, with their heavy makeup, ill-fitting wigs and constricting garments.

They seemed to experience as ill-at-ease as I did in women's clothes - annoyed and restless, as if they were yearning for it all to conclude. Just as I understood I connected with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them ripped off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and unveiled herself as ... Bowie! Revelation. (Of course, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

At that moment, I was absolutely sure that I desired to remove everything and become Bowie too. I wanted his narrow hips and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his flat chest; I sought to become the slender-shaped, Berlin-era Bowie. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to genuinely embody Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Coming out as queer was one thing, but transitioning was a significantly scarier possibility.

I needed several more years before I was ready. During that period, I made every effort to adopt male characteristics: I ceased using cosmetics and discarded all my feminine garments, cut off my hair and commenced using men's clothes.

I changed my seating posture, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I paused at surgical procedures - the potential for denial and second thoughts had rendered me immobile with anxiety.

Once the David Bowie display finished its world tour with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, five years later, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I couldn't go on pretending to be a person I wasn't.

Standing in front of the identical footage in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a feminine man who'd been wearing drag all his life. I wanted to transform myself into the individual in the stylish outfit, moving in the illumination, and at that moment I understood that I had the capacity to.

I scheduled an appointment to see a physician soon after. I needed another few years before my transition was complete, but not a single concern I anticipated came true.

I maintain many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a queer man, but I accept this. I desired the liberty to explore expression like Bowie did - and since I'm comfortable in my body, I am able to.